The need for this blog arose from the simple need to separate myself from what had become my normal.
On December 5, 2011 I made the biggest mistake (or so I thought then) of my entire life. I decided to agree to the honeyed words of someone I had only known for 3 months over what I had always known to be fact and true of my fiance, and I left him. I know what you're thinking "She was only 18, no big deal." Well...wrong. I had loved that boy from the time I noticed men worth dating, and well. He took my breath away.
That one decision, to betray what I had known for 4 years, and throw away something precious and special, was the catalyst for not only the worst relationship I've ever been in, but also the worst 9 months of my entire life. Period. Ever. To date.
I dated Wil, the new guy, and things were okay...until he started getting into drugs. And pulling me into it. I have no excuses for what I did at that time, but nonetheless, my life was forever changed.
In late January of 2012 I had my miscarriage. Talk about a sucker punch. The only thing I can say about my life from February until June was "Hide the pain, numb the pain, forget the pain." Of course I know now that losing a baby, even if you weren't far along in your pregnancy, not only takes a physical toll, but an emotional and a mental one as well. But at the time I thought I was wrong, and dirty for loving something so young so much. For someone who had always wanted children from the time I could remember (Literally 3 years old couldn't wait to have a child) suffering through my miscarriage was the worst experience, and one I would never wish on anyone. Ever.
My wake up call? Well, after doing acid on 6 separate occasions, falling in love with Marijuana and Molly, and on the brink of trying cocaine, I took a step back. I said "Holy hell what are you getting yourself into? Is this how God wants you to live your life? Is this how you want to live your life?"
After taking SEVERAL steps back, and evaluating, I decided that living in an apartment with two guys, sleeping with more men than I care to admit, and degrading myself to the point where I didn't think I deserved to be happy at all, in anything I did, I moved back home.
And that brings us to now. I am rebuilding my relationship with God, with my family, and with myself. I only hope to share my insights, and maybe bring y'all some humor along the way. It'll get honest, and I'll get emotional but you won't be bored :)
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You, my dear, have been on a very bumpy ride this last year and a half. And I've always wondered where you went. They say that whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. You have a good heart and a strong will to live right and do the right thing and I know in my own heart that you will do just that. God's everyone a story and this is yours. I'm proud of you for sharing it and not hiding it. You're going to do good, girlie. <3
ReplyDeleteI've missed you my sweet bloggy love! Thank you thank you thank you for having faith in me, it really does mean a lot. I hope you're doing okay, I read that you're taking a break, and I wish you well!!
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