Never Gonna Hold the Hand of Another Guy

Do you ever look at old blog posts and get bombarded with emotion? NO? Well I guess I'm weird then. I was reading through old posts on my past blogs, and I came across my synopsis of my summer when my ex came home from deployment. What I found stirred up some mixed emotions in me...

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"Yes, it would tear both him and DJ apart to cheat. I taught them both, that "you have to live with the choices you make in this life, can you get up every morning and look yourself in the face, and say I like the person I am today and the choices I have made that got me here?" I know he would never cheat on you, I remember what it was like when he thought he lost you forever (my fault, and I can never apologize enough) I remember his depression, his tears, his heartbreak, I know he never wants to feel that again. He can't even handle it when he thinks you're mad at him, he's not perfect by any means, but he truly loves you, and would die to protect you. What you two have is what everyone wants, it's rare and beautiful. No, it's not always gonna be roses, but it is true and genuine. Your love for him is just as true, I see that, I feel that,and I know you were meant for my son. I thank God everyday, that he brought you back into his life, and that one day you will become his wife, to stand at his side, as his equal partner in good times as well as bad. I love you MJ as my daughter, and you know how hard it is for me to trust anyone and let them in, but my arms are wide open for you as one of my own."

Do I not have the best Mother in law?? And I know what she says is true, because he does hate it when I'm mad, he hates it when we argue it makes him miserable and he begs me to stop being mad at him. When I have doubts about us I remember this, what his mom said, and what he told me once, although at the time it made me sad.

"I don't always like you, but not once have I stopped loving you""

Sometimes I read these old posts and I'm filled with righteous indignation, like, HOW DARE HE MAKE ME MOPEY AND CRY ALL OF THE DANG TIME?! Because I was a whiny little child two years ago. All day every day I missed him and I cried, oh how I cried when I didn't get to talk to him when I needed him. The constant stress and worry was exhausting. My friends were more likely than not finding me in a heap on my dorm floor listlessly staring at my laptop slideshow of pictures with tears running into my hair and my nose running most attractively.

ON THE OTHER HAND, these posts make me feel lower than dirt. I do believe he loved me as much as he possible could based on circumstances. And for him I think that was a lot. I mean, obliviously. But, just reading these old posts, I realize how much I've changed, and grown, and yes. Sometimes I'm reminded of what I've lost. But I just have to remember that I MADE THOSE CHOICES. I made the choice to break up with him and move on. I'm not saying it was right or wrong, but I'm saying that it was a choice that I occasionally do regret today.  BUT GOD HAS A PLAN FOR ME. It is not up to ME to decide what HIS plan is, it is up to me to trust in him with all of my heart. And pray that His plan can be revealed to me in time. 

But, I'm going to be completely honest. I can't listen to "Back to December", I can't listen to "Travelin Soldier", and I absolutely need to stop going through my old blog. Because when I do, my regrets eat me up, and I allow them to become my own demons. And nobody wants that.